9. I miss my mama more and more each day

Today, marks the 10 year anniversary that we buried my mama. Unbelievably I haven't been too emotional or withdrawn. I've picked up the phone to call her a few times, but then again I have done that more this month than I have in the last 10 years. I've made myself busy this morning with Monday laundry, cooking, cleaning, emptying the refrigerator, listening to a friend in need. Sort of doing everything, but dealing with the emotion, huh? Well I guess nothing has change, because I did the same thing 10 years ago. Did everything, but grieve. And, I certainly know for so many of these 10 years, I have done the same. Everything, but deal with the emotion. Not sure if today will be any different.

There is a popular saying, "You never miss a good thing until it's gone." And I agree, that much is true. But I have seen quote here lately very similar that makes even more sense. "You never miss a good thing until it's gone. No, you just thought it would never leave you." Now, that is the God's honest truth there, my friends. You know I never thought my mama would leave me. I know if she would have had her way, she never would left me and my sister. But God had a better plan for her I guess. Years ago, the thought crossed my mind that my sister and I were probably the only 2 of our aged friends and family that could handle losing their mother at such a young age. I was 17, my sister 23. My mother had prepared us in some many ways. There wasn't much for us to 'figure out'. She had taught us how to conduct funeral business, handle legal documents, and graciously deal with those that come by to pay their respects and console the family. We got plenty of practice in the Summer '99 when my grandaddy and his 2 sisters died within a 3 month span. (Yup, when it rains it pours!) So, we knew exactly what to do and who to call when the time came. There wasn't much we had to figure out, but enough for us to learn how to it for ourselves. That was my mama, she always provided us with opportunity to learn how to do things, but left us with enough so that we could figure out the rest. She'd put us in social situations (knowing we were uncomfortable), to get use to speaking and interacting with adults and business people intelligently. She took us to banquets and formal dinners to make sure we knew the proper etiquette. I'm thankful for learning experiences like such, because it has help me more confident in me of the decisions and dealings I have encountered. I can speak publicly at the drop of a dime and feel comfortable around businessmen and other adults.

Life hasn't been easy these last 10 years for sure. It hurts like a dagger when I see others with their mothers or are able to call their mother for advice. When they drop their children off with the mother's or when I see they've spent the day with their mother. It all hurts. Labor & delivery with Kaedyn was so difficult, because my mama wasn't there. I spent most of the time sleeping, so I wouldn't have think about it. There are days when I want to ask her a quick question or would love to have a certain recipe, and I sit in with tears in my eyes and disappoint in my heart. Christmas, holidays, family get togethers, even the ball games aren't the same. I do the best to try to mask my feelings to everyone. I've learned how to conceal my feelings as to not offend or put others in awkward position. It's not their fault, right? (It's funny how we hide our emotions so they don't feel some kind of way.) I just pretend it doesn't hurt me, but it does. I know she is in a better place and smiling down upon me, but it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't answer the question, "Why can't I just talk to my mama?"

My mama told me and my sister years ago that there wasn't a day she didn't think about her mama. Some days were good and some days were not so good. I can truly attest to that! Some days are good and so days I just want to cry, "I want my mama!" I miss her more and more each day. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through the day, some kind of way I manage. I started the healing process with a therapist a couple of years ago, but didn't get finished. So, I'm kind of at a stand still right now. Not knowing what to do, who to talk to, or which way to turn. I'm simply taking it one day at a time, and not dealing with the big picture, just taking the little things one at a time. That's the best I can do right now, all things considered.

But for all of you reading that still have your mother in the flesh, love her and cherish her. Birthday and Mother's Day of course, but every day. I know there are times when they aggravate us or don't deserve royalty treatment, nevertheless the Lord says, "Honor thy mother and thy father. And thy days will be long!" Because at the end of the day, I would give any thing to take back some of those eyes rolls, closed doors, and even pouts that I would out. Take what they say to heart and learn as much as you can from them. (God knows I probably wouldn't hooked Mez if I couldn't fry chicken! lol)I love my mama and I wish I would have told her more often than I did. I understand it and can see it a lot more clearly now that I am a mother. There is nothing like a Mother's Love! Nothing and no one can replace it! I strive to be a great mom like my mom and I pray that God spares my life to see my grandchildren, something she wasn't able to do.

And because I lost so many people dear to me at a young age, I value my family and the time I spend with them. I know that time is no guarantee and so I try to spend as much quality time with them as possible. I try to show them how much I love them and tell them often. I hug longer and more often, and even enable them too (I know, that's bad!). And I try to see the good in everyone. I give people second chances (maybe much more often than I should), and lastly I love deeply. Life is short and I try to make the best of it.

I was my mama's princess that's for sure. I miss the way she left us notes in our bags, chore list on the table in the summer time, extra homework and worksheets to help with our school work, the way she yelled our names, or even those house shoes across the linoleum floor, how she would say, "What's up Doodie?", or even yell, 'Redd, come get these frakecards out my floor!", the way she genuinely listened to us, made us put in 'sweat equity' into our new house, and even taught us those life lessons like, "You keep on lookin, you gon' get your eyes full!" I miss the way she would let me lay across her chest to hear her heart beat and talk to me hours on end. I miss how she made all 3 of us pile up in her bed when it stormed real bad or she made sure that we knew that on one was more important than 'her girls'. I miss her smile, her straight face, and the look over the top of those reading glasses (that meant exit the room quickly, yet slowly). I miss her pineapple glazed cakes, stewed salmon, and coconut-pineapple pies. I miss our trips to the fresh market, our little pancake restaurant, and our early morning yard sale trips. I miss how she use to make me lay my clothes out like a scarecrow before I went to bed at night, and I even miss how she use to make us iron clothes before we put them in closet. I miss how she drove me to school every morning, I miss seeing her in the stands at my cheerleading competitions. I miss working with her in the summer, I miss her answering the phone, "EDTAC", I miss our lunch dates or going to a new restaurant with her. I miss her sitting in her reading chair, I miss lying next to her in bed as my sister laid at the foot. I even miss her fussing at us. (She was tough, and I couldn't understand why, but now I know.) I miss her directness, wisdom, advice, and most of all her ability to understand me better than I understood myself. She was an incredible woman and I miss her so much. . . .

So today as I remember her with the tears in my eyes, this I know for sure. . .
I miss my mama more and more each day!

Melanie

What's Goin On?

So this post will be a little different than the norm. Instead of focusing on one of the statements from my list, I think I'm just gonna talk a little about, "What's Goin' On?" In my last post, I mentioned that I haven't blogged all month. There are many reasons (yeah, you could say excuses) as to why I haven't. But to sum it all up. July is such a bittersweet month for me. In addition to bittersweet it has been a bit stressful for me as well. Nevertheless, it is what it is!

I will try to elaborate a little more on each one of these in the days ahead. (No promises!) So, what's been going on?
You would think life would be footloose and fancy free right now since school is out. Well it gets stressful for me since I'm on a strict budget and I kick myself over and over for not saving like I said I would all year long. You would think I would learn, but this year, it hurts a little harder. I know what I've got to do, it's just a matter of doing it. (Trust me, I know I'm not the only one with this problem!)
Kaedyn has been home with us all summer. For those, that know me well...interesting, yes, I know! Everyone is still breathing, which is good. Kaedyn has only been to the sitter once since school got out. Shocker, huh? Now don't get me wrong, I love my boy (this I know for sure), but we haven't been with each other this much since the 6 weeks I was on maternity leave. And trust me, a lot has changed since then! Things get hectic, chaotic, nerve wracking, and overwhelming often. Some days are better than others. But deep breaths, my bathroom hideaway, and play dates have saved me a lot days this summer. But overall, I have enjoyed my "Good Morning wake ups", hugs, kisses, and the quality time I am getting to spend with him.
My high school 1o year reunion is coming up. (t-7 days) There's a lot of emotions and anxiety coming along with it. We will see how this next week plays out. Excited about going, but anxious about the emotions.
This year also marks the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death. ooh, how it has hurt. I haven't said much to anyone about it, I've just tried to deal with it on my own. (certainly, not the best way. but everyone else has their own issues. so, i hate to bother someone as i sit in sob.)
Beach Vacation with my dad's family (enough said, right there)
And trust me there are a few other things on my mind, but I'll stop right there.

But at the same time, there's a lot good going on too.
Quality time with family (just the 3 of us)
Growing more in my faith and growing more as a person
Learning more about poeple, life, and how to handle situations
The thankfulness and gratefulness I have in my heart.

And so, that's what's goin on. More to come soon.

But I'll leave you with a little excerpt from the book I'm reading. (Can't give the title just yet, but it's some good stuff.)
"Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for."

Now, there's something to think about!

Melanie

Oops, I did it again!

I think Brittany Spears said it best . . . ."Oops, I did it again!" Yup, I fell off my blogging horse, again. It's been a while. I haven't blogged at all during the month of July. (tisk, tisk) And of course, I could come with a million excuses, but they would simply be just that. . . excuses! So, I won't.

Nevertheless, I am just going to dust my self off, hold my head high, shoulders back, and jump on the saddle. (As much as I can today, with my little one and his 2 favorite girl cousins. It won't be long before I hear, "Mama" or "Auntie Melanie", nevertheless, it has been a blessing to have them here today.

Until the next post .... Ciao!

Melanie